Monday, February 28, 2011

Moon of the Wolf

Directed by:  Daniel Petrie
Written by:  Alvin Sapinsley, Leslie H. Whitten (novel)
Starring by:  David Janssen, Barbara Rush and Bradford Dillman

From IMDB:
"After several locals are viciously murdered, a Louisiana sheriff starts to suspect he may be dealing with a werewolf."

Here's a clip from the movie.

This 1972 made for TV gem stars the Fugitive David Jansen. 
I heard a rumour that Dan Curtis wrote this but can find no proof to that effect.
David's got a few buttons down on his sheriff shirt - I wonder if the ladies of the early 70s found his hairy, 50 something, chest appealing?
Sure is easy to identify the score as coming from this era of film making.  A better man than me could tell you what it is that identifies it as such.

Trilogy of Terror came out of this period of TV movies.
This is no Trilogy of Terror.
Clint Eastwood's good friend, Geoffrey Lewis is in this.  He's always good.
Interesting history behind Daniel Petrie.  He directed Raisin in the Sun in 1962 - then got stuck doing a lot of forgettable movies and TV for a long time.  He would go on to direct the well remembered Sybil - Fort Apache the Bronx and Cocoon The Return.  He worked till he was 81 and died at the age of 83.
His death scene is actually kind of funny. 
Man there was some bad fashion around back then!
I confess I've got this one playing in the background in my office while working other things.  To be fair though, I've seen this one within the last year anyway.
Sadly there's just nothing to really make this thing remarkable.
I'm going to give it 1.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  There's just no real reason to watch this movie.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Incredible Petrified World

Directed by:  Jerry Warren
Written by:  John W. Steiner
Starring:  John Carradine, Robert Clarke and Phyllis Coates
From IMDB:
"Four adventurers descend to the depths of the ocean when the cable on their underwater diving bell snaps. The rest of their expedition, believing them to be lost, abandons hope of finding them. Exiting the diving bell, the party finds themselves in a network of underwater caverns. They encounter a shipwreck survivor. He tells them he has been there for 14 years and that there is no way out. The two men in the exploring party believe him only after a hike to a volcanic vent that supplies the caverns with oxygen. On the surface, Prof. Millard Wyman, the elder scientist who designed the original diving bell, decides to try again to explore the depths of the ocean. He finds out that there is another diving bell in existence that is identical to the one that was lost."
This Trailer From Hell - is far more entertaining than the movie!
There were the classics I grew up watching.
They set the camera on the sticks, the actors hit their marks and said their lines but I don't think this is what Anthony Hopkins had in mind when he suggested it was all you needed to do.
This one is moving a little slower than your average bear.  I'm sixteen minutes in and still nothing much has happened.
Women losing control and needing a good slap to bring them around.  Haha! 
John Carradine is spending a lot of time leaning in this movie - leaning and explaining.
22 minutes in and they've found the Petrified World.  Looking pretty rocky so far - it also looks like a truck load of stock footage.
I wonder if I've watched this before?  I've sure seen a lot of them but this one's not ringing any bells.
I saw in the front end credits this was all filmed at Colossal Caverns in Tucson Arizona.  I
biked by there a few years ago.  Now I'm thinking a visit might have been in order.
One woman to the other:  "There's nothing friendly between two females. There never has been and there never will be."
One woman to the other:  "I don't need any help and neither do you, as long as we have two men around us."
I guess the real question I have to ask myself is  whether this one is worth watching?  Should I recommend it to others?  For a film like this to work, it has to be so bad it's good.
There are glimmers of that - you can see in the few bit of dialogue I posted above, but these jewels are just too few and far between.  There's many better examples from this era far better than this one.  Just too damn boring.
1 Bloody Eyes out of 5

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Galaxy Invader

Directed by: Don Dohler
Written by: Don Dohler
Starrring: Richard Ruxton, Faye Tilles and George Stover

From IMDB:
 "An alien is hunted by a gang of drunken hillbillies who saw him crash-land his spaceship."

WATCH THIS!!  They even show the guy in the rubber suit!!!

Holy shit - how did I miss this gem?!?
You always hear about movies so bad their good but rare is the one that actually is.  Galaxy Invader is just such a movie.  It's a riot and I can't believe it's not better known the cult favorite scene.  This son of a bitch should be showing at midnight with costumed fans shouting out lines at the screen weekly!
So some hillbilly takes a shot at the crash landed alien - (guy in a rubber suit), and knocks a white ball off the alien's chest.  The hick figures the white ball must be worth a lot of cake - everyone who sees it seems to agree. "I've never seen anything like it!!!"
Obviously they've never played botchi before.  It's just a ball.
Now, out of no where this red neck bastard knows how to activate this "crazy" ball (by touching it with a stick).  Must have missed the lead up to that scene.
There are a lot of mustaches in this movie.
There's not an actor in the bunch, the sets are weak, the script is nonsensical and that  rubber suit is the best!   Beautiful man!!
Everyone is being all sincere too!  You have to see this to believe it!
Oh, I've not mentioned the wardrobe - love Joe's torn T-shirt.
Writer/director Don Dohler was only 60 when he died.  Very sad.  What a loss!
I just read there's a DVD commentary for this film!!  Damn! I would LOVE to hear that.  I have the film on a 50 film pack from Mill Creek.  Those bastards don't even include the end credits half the time - let alone any commentary!
Man this would have been fun to make!!
"It don't matter what it looks like.  It don't look like us and that's all that counts."
"Let's hope this alien knows how to run!"
Awesome rag doll they tossed off the cliff.  It looked like it was made of rope.
I will most certainly be organizing a Galaxy Invader party in the near future!
I'm giving this 4 Bloody Eyes out of 5!!  The lover of the camp can not resist!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Saw VI

Directed by:  Kevin Greutert
Written by:  Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton
Starring:  Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor and Mark Rolston
From IMDB:
"Agent Strahm is dead and framed while Hoffman continues John's legacy while Jill carries out John's final request."
It's a contradiction I know but I've never been a big fan of the torture porn horror trend.  When I first read the premise for Hostel I was struck with the similarities it had with a project I'd pitched to a guy at HBO.  Obviously I never made the sale.
So when I went to see it, I thought "This is going to be good."  It was good but I did find myself a tad sickened - not an all together bad thing.  But with each subsequent film down that path I find I'm losing my stones for it.  I like being frightened by a film.  Being grossed out - not as much.  But being frightened is getting harder.  It's hard to frighten a seasoned horror fan.
So why do I like the Saw franchise?  They clever, good production value and good talent. 
Very high gross out factor and very low scare factor but not a bad movie factor.
Saw VI carries on in the same tradition.  There's nothing really new to report on - same old thing - imaginative kills and a fast pace.  I enjoyed every minute.
The final kill (acid cutting the body in half) was really something.
It'd be easy to rag on these films but you're not going to hear from me.
I'm giving it 3.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.

Fire Serpent

Directed by:  John Terlesky
Written by:  William Shatner (creator), Garfield Reeves-Stevens, Judith Reeves-Stevens
Starring:  Nicholas Brendon, Sandrine Holt, Randolph Mantooth, Robert Beltran

From IMDB:
Alien creatures emerge from the sun and attack Earth.

Interesting thing about this trailer - it shows it as being Restricted and coming out of the Lionsgate system - deceptive.  There's nothing in this thing to take it out of prime time.

William Shatner is behind this.  I'm good with that.  He's a smart guy.  Once had the pleasure of drinks with him in LA at a hotel in Century City.  He was a big Bush supporter.  I was a surprised to learn that.
Nicholas Brandan - I understand he's had some substance abuse issue.  Sad to hear so I'm glad to see him working.  Looks like he needs to get the Keds on a few more times a week.  I was a huge Buffy fan.  The movie gets an extra Bloody Eye for that alone.
And Randolph Mantooth - I grew up loving "Emergency".  I'm liking the casting in this bad boy! 
Wow - so this investigator has made the assumption that Brandan is guilty with absolutely no evidence at all.  That makes me think she's an idiot and thus a poor protagonist or antagonist.
One too many scenes with the wise old mentor explaining how it all went so wrong back in the day when the fools were at the reigns. 
So I'm an hour and twenty into this thing and still this dozy investigator is just starting to figure out that Brandan maybe isn't such a bad guy - even though there was never any evidence otherwise.
I believe firmly that with a strong director Brandan could easily be a formidable acting talent.  He's stuck in the Zander role.  He can do more.  I know it.
I've mentioned this before but I HATE it when no one ever hits what they're shooting at.
Not surprisingly - this thing looks like a made for TV movie - I guess cause it was.  Despite that it's kind of a fun little spin.  It's playing like a pretty good episode of STNG.
Although the premise is pretty ridiculous, I love how serious everyone is in their delivery!
Some laughable special effects. 
Our leading lady has obviously never held a gun before.  It's like a watching someone suck on a cigarette who clearly doesn't smoke - it's crazy obvious.
Zander is doing his final scenes in a big silver fire costume.  Not a great choice by the director.
What - that's the end? Wow.  Sudden but okay.
I see it was shot in British Columbia.  Nice.
Well I'll give it 2 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  It really wasn't that good but I wanted to like it.  It probably should have gotten 1.5

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Attic

Directed by:  Mary Lambert
Written by:  Mary Lambert
Starring: Elisabeth Moss, Jason Lewis and Tom Mallory
From IMDB:
"Emma and her family are unhappy after moving to her house; one day she went to the attic and found someone who looked like her and began haunting her. "
Was that written by a six year old?  Never a good start.
Looks like it was shot on my dad's camcorder.  Actually it looks like it was shot by my dad.
A good director can make a bad actor look otherwise but sadly a bad director can also make a good actor look foul.
I just really have little to say about this. 
I had a hard time watching it. 
Weak in all departments.
And trust me when I say - it's not one of those movies that so bad it's good.  No, it's just bad.
I almost don't want to put this blog up.  I have such huge respect for anyone who can get a movie made these days but I just couldn't find anything here.  I suppose I could say that it's possible Elisabeth Moss is likely a good actress - impossible to say from this though.
My first .5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.


Director:  Franklin Guerrero Jr.
Writer:  Franklin Guerrero Jr.
Starring:  Natasha Malinsky, Erik Fones and Matt Carmody
From IMDB:
"Based on a true story, Carver depicts the real life events of five 20-something's that went camping in the mountain town of Halcyon Ridge and never returned."
Ugh - two minutes in and it's clear this another movie shot by my dad on his camcorder.
Based on a true story?  Mmm?  I suspect they will be stretching things a bit to keep any truth to that.
So the guy meets some hot chick out in the middle of no where and his friends essentially do everything they can to torpedo his shot at her.  "He's got herpes!!!  Hahahaha!"  In my experience a wing men with moves like that would very quickly be marginalized and ridiculed - if not beaten sensless. 
Then they decide to steal the guys stuff (films) - and I'm suppose to feel badly for these douche bags when they start dying.
The sound in this bitch is awful.
So no one believes him when he says he found the kill spot - even when he backed it up with a bloody tooth?  Nothing
And that asshole in the cowboy hat - I sure hope he finds the business end of a saw soon.  No one would hang with such a dink - except the bitch who likes to flirt with red necks.  They're a good couple.
An outhouse with running water is not an outhouse - it's an outdoor toilet.
And he sat on the toilet - with no toilet paper?  Not likely. 
Well - I got my wish, he's the first to go - and, I must confess - that was a bad way to die.
They're going back in the middle of the night to return the snuff film?  Gee, what could go wrong with that idea?
So the flirt has a lethal pitch fork for a weapon.  Will she even get a chance to use it?  I'm going to bet - no.
I win. 
Man these guys are so completely ineffective and dense I want them to all die.
Clearly the writer/director didn't feel self preservation was really all that motivating a factor.
Who was the stunt killer?
She's got the gun - and she actually shot him!  Wow - I'm going to increase my Bloody Eye count just for that.
WTF - she kills herself?  No body does that in a horror movie!!  Now I may have to take away the aforementioned increase.
A drywall saw through the skull - could happen but it'd be tough.
And wasn't the chick who killed herself seen in an earlier movie - wasn't that suppose to be the twist?  What did I miss there?
The log line stated that the kids were never seen again - so I guess we all knew how it was going to end.  Why do they give up the ending like that?  It worked for Blair Witch - but that was a unique case.
Oh I see - he's been so damaged by all this he's going to sit down with a smoke and watch footage of the old kills.
There's the girl killing someone?!?
What a shocking twist for an ending!
People out there seemed like this movie WAY more than I did.
I'm going to give this a 1 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  It was close to being my first 1/2 Bloody Eye.  It got the full because of a few imaginative kills and a somewhat sincere effort that came through - but these characters were just too stupid to care about. 

Decoys 2

Directed by:  Jeffery Scott Lando
Written by:  Tom Berry (story), Miguel Tejada-Flores
Starring: Corey Sevier, Tyler Johnston and Kailin See
From IMDB:
"Sam, a college student in a small Northwestern town, reluctantly joins his roommates in a contest to see who can hook up with the most gorgeous co-eds by the end of the semester. But when men slowly start disappearing around town, he and his friends learn that when it comes to beautiful women, it's what's inside that really matters."
Watching this back to back with the 1st Decoys which I liked it but thought it missed the mark in some obvious ways. 
Wonder how the sequel will be?
So far the women are crazy hot and the men all act like they're in the sixth grade.
This one is actually tighter than the first one.  That's rare.
Holy crap that is one fine therapist.
If you want a character to look like a fool - take away his ability to hear how he must sound to others (It's a Wonderful Life) and make adjustments.
As in the first one, no one is smart enough to make the connections.
Both the Asian kid and the jock get it on with freakishly foxy women - in the cold and who seems to have the ability to manifest fantasy clothing at will.  These geniuses they don't see the connection.
"Let's split up."  Any time a writer put this line in one of their scripts they should be thoroughly ashamed.
The 6.5 gets the 10 in the end.  Doesn't ring true for me.
Okay - the movie was fun. The girls were hot. No real scares but it moved along just fine.  Not a bad movie to watch over a beer or two.
2.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Directed by: Matthew Hastings
Written by: Tom Berry, Matthew Hastings
Starring: Corey Sevier, Stefanie von Pfetten and Kim Poirier
From IMDB:
"Luke and Roger are just another couple of college guys trying to lose their virginity. But when Luke sees something unusual, he begins to suspect that the girls on campus aren't exactly...human."
So this guy is going to be our protagonist?
So far - sneaking into the girl's room - sniffing lingerie - Creepy McSneakerspn.
One day a writer is going to have the courage to have the friends believe ++++ when he reports having seen something beyond belief.  It's just too easy a device.
College kid in the bathroom - is so nervous he's acting like he's six.
Obviously the writer/director here never went to college (or high school for that matter).
And so this kid witnesses tentacles coming out of a woman's chest and in the next moment he's got a crush on her and completely dismisses his own senses.  Stupid.
Now he's going to lie to the cop - when obviously everyone at the party is going to report he had a fight with the dead guy.  Bad writing.
Oh now he believes his senses?
And if the kid killed Bobby - why would Bobby have a hard on?  The cop doesn't even wonder?  Bad writing.
Now he's going to be a detective - and obviously further implicate himself in the process.  Sweet Jesus!! Can't they come up with a new angle - ever!!
So he puts a video in the girls shower - gets some footage of a naked girl with a tiny black spot on her chest and goes to the police with it!?!? Bad writing.
Roger is a fine young actor.  You can see that but the character doesn't always work.
Anyone know any college guys who collect porn, drink hard and talks as much as that guy - and sabotages his every chance to get laid?  I don't.  More device writing as opposed to creating a zany situation with real world results.
Now Luke seems to be taking a lot of pleasure out of torturing the creature/Lilli.  He's gone from creepy to stupid to sociopathic.
There seems to be some confusion with who suppose to be Luke's love interest here - obviously he's suppose to like Alex - but then he falls for Lilli - even when he knows she's a alien, but then Amanda walks in, half way through the film.  She's the girl from the past who clearly still has his heart.  Random much?
But it must be said - they certainly aren't beyond having some fun here.  As negative as I've been - it really has been a fun film.  Sad they just didn't go that extra step to lift it above the level of a situation comedy.  The pace is good and there was enough budget to give it a decent enough look.  The actors are good - no weak spots really in that department.  The characters aren't that interesting but I'm not sure there was much to be done about that.
I'm giving it 2 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  Too many cliches.  Writing was weak - but damn it was close to working so much better.


Directed by:  William Malone
Written by:  Moshe Diamant (story), Josephine Coyle
Starring:  Stephen Dorff, Natascha McElhone and Stephen Rea
From IMDB:
"Four bodies are found in NYC. The coincidence? They all died 48 hours after logging on to a site named Tough detective Mike Reilly collaborates with Department of Health associate Terry Huston to research these mysterious deaths. The only way to find out though what really happened is to enter the site itself..."
I thought I'd seen this film before but it's clear I haven't.
Sorry to see Udo Keir only got about 37 seconds of screen time.  He's no Anthony Hopkins or anything but he's always fun to watch.
The DP is obviously a fan of Seven.  The wet streets - the decay and darkness everywhere. The  Shaw guide gave this one star but I've got a feeling I'm going to be giving it higher than that just for the look.  It's a safe bet they didn't have Seven's budget or the days to get that look.  I think they've done a pretty job of it.
Wow - just read they had a 42 million dollar budget for this.  I'm now less impressed.  For 42 mill, you should be able to get any kind of look you want.
Yay - Jeffrey Combs!
So there is some supernatural element to this that so far is pretty obscure.
The images on the website are so fleeting and obfuscated it's impossible to imagine being all that horrified by them or even drawn in.  I guess I have to caulk it up to the aforementioned supernatural element that is so far unexplained.
Mmm?  So the soul of some dead girl is on the internet - specifically this Fear website and she's killing everyone who gets off on the doctors work?  I guess I'll keep watching and see how it all plays out.
Okay - so detective Reilly is writhing like someone possessed in the hospital - and the next scene he's in the apartment doing fine.  Did I miss something?  Patience young Skywalker.
So this dead girl wants revenge - yet she seems to be going after the only guy who really wants to get it for her.
How many times can you turn your back on the psychopath before you get what you deserve for being stupid? Apparently 2-3 times.
I think William Malone is a good director but this just missed a little too wide.  Still I think I liked it a little more than most.
I'm going to give this one 2.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  With the kind of cash they had they should have done much better.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Directed by: James Gunn
Written by: James Gunn  
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks and Michael Rooker
From IMDB:
A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters.
An eloquently simple story told by a damn fine story teller.
The aliens come via meteorite in the first scene.  What else you see in the first scene is they've got a bit of budget for this one.
Nathan Fillion is always good.  That guy should get more work.  I'd hire him.
I also like Michael Rooker and if given the opportunity I plan to type him against his cast.  I think he'd make an outstanding protagonist.
"His arm was all bendy."  Haha!!
Good comedy throughout and some genuine creeps.
I'm enjoying this film.
But when it comes to gun play I sure hate it when everyone misses what they're shooting at - especially when it's something as big as a Volkswagen and only 12 feet away.
The picture is linear and predictable but in a strange way it's comforting.  I'd rather see that than watch some tin pot struggle with ridiculous twists that make little sense and contribute nothing.
Slither is worth watching and if you liked Tremors you should like this one as well.
I'm giving this 3.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5 - almost a four!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Nightmare on Elm Street 5 - The Dream Child

Directed by:   Stephen Hopkins
Written by:  Story by John Skipp, Craig Spector and Leslie Bohem, Screenplay by Leslie Bohem
Starring:  Robert Englund and Lisa Wilcox
From IMDB:
"Alice, having survived the previous installment of the Nightmare series, finds the deadly dreams of Freddy Krueger starting once again. This time, the taunting murderer is striking through the sleeping mind of Alice's unborn child. His intention is to be "born again" into the real world. The only one who can stop Freddy is his dead mother, but can Alice free her spirit in time to save her own son?"
I'm not doing so great here.  I'm 45 minutes into this thing and so far I have nothing to say.  My wife made a comment after watching the first few minutes of the film - where all the teenagers are at their graduation.  The parents are acting like cliché bad parents. 
My wife:  "People would never act that way."  Nail on the head.  We'll suspend our disbelief when it comes to monsters and angels.  A 100 foot gorilla is fine but when people behave in ways we don't believe they would act - then we're thrown out of the picture.
The fashion is sure better than NmOE st. 4.  Not so much hair in this one.
Freddy seems to grow more and more omnipotent with each film.  It gets to the point where you're just watching for zaniness - the new ways to kill.  Every blow dealt to Freddy is utterly ineffective so you just don't care any more.
Then in the last few minutes they come up with some far fetched device and Freddy is vancoushed again - till the next time.
This installment certainly had some fun set pieces - though many of them were just matte drawings, they were inspired.
The little kid was pretty good.  You won't hear me say that too often.  Kids usually fail on fairly large levels. 
One of the least frightening installments of the series.  Not even a single jump.
I would have liked to see Daniel's grasping parents get theirs.  That would have been satisfying.
Huh?  What the hell - nice rap tune to close out the credits.  Another product of the times.
But in the end there's little I can do but love the franchise horror series.  I can watch them over and over.  What's wrong with me?
I give this one 2.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Present in the mail

Just got a fun package from Amazon - Another one of these Mill Creek packages - 50 Sci Fi Classics.
One of my pet peeves with these things is how hard it is to find a title list for them prior to ordering.  So I did a couple quick scans and I'm going to post it here for anyone else who might like to know.
If I hear from people I might scan several other collections I have as well.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Kiss

Directed by:  Pen Densham
Written by:  Tom Ropelewski and Stephen Volk - based on a story by Stephen Volk
Starring:  Joanna Pacula, Meredith Salenger, Shawn, Levy

I just couldn't understand this trailer.

From IMDB (not one of the better summaries to say the least)
"When Felice and Hillary were children, they were separated to live with other people. Felice went off with a relative who possessed an unusual bloodline which was passed on to Felice via a kiss. Now all grown up, Felice is a jet setting model, while Hillary is happily married to husband Jack with a daughter, Amy. One day, Felice calls Hillary and tells her she needs to pass her bloodline onto another relative. When Hillary is killed after the call, Felice slowly makes her way into the family so she can attempt at pass the bloodline onto Amy."
Meredith Salenger (whom I'd never heard of before) plays teenager Amy.  She's a great looking young lady and a decent little actress.  It looks like she's continued to work, though nothing major - although I see she did some voice work for Robot Monkey - and that makes her very cool indeed.
ThIS movie reeks of the 80s.
Holy crap it took a long time for folks to come to the aid of what was a pretty spectacular auto crash.
Okay - who the fuck runs out after a ball in a busy street - and I mean downtown, crazy busy - we're not talking about a suburb here - no suggestion of supernatural - just bad luck.  And it wasn't like the kid was six - he was a young teenager.
At any rate - the crash was good - with interesting results.  The leg thing was a bit unexpected.
Ha - there's Shawn Levy playing the bitchin' cool boyfriend with the pony tale and the fancy stud in his ear.
He made the right choice getting behind the camera.  He's a better director than he is actor!
The dad with his beard and a perm - what a special look that was.  And what a milquetoast dude.
So Joanna Pacula is in this thing.  She's hot, no doubt about it and she drops the laundry a few times which is nice, of course.  She's a actually a pretty good actress on top of it.  Sadly she just never lived up to the promise she showed in Gorky Park.
Another "jewelry caught in the escalator" scene.  That necklace she was wearing must have been forged in the depths of Mordor.  You'd think the thing would break but no, it parts flesh and severs bone.
This movie isn't awful.  I think the worst thing about it (aside from a weak script) is just how dated it is - and dated from a time that really wasn't any fun.  Fashion was at an all time low.  So much hair. 
I'll give it 2 Bloody Eyes out of 5.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Tromeo and Juliet

Directed by:  Lloyd Kaufman
Written by:  Jason Green, James Gunn (who I understood wrote the vast majority of what you see on the screen) and Lloyd Kaufman.  Based on a play by William Shakespeare
Starring: Jane Jensen, Will Keenan and Vanentine Miele.
It was suggested I review something from the Troma library.  I had two on my shelf - Class of Nukem High and T&J.  I was pretty high when I watched T&J so I thought I'd give it another look.

I'd forgotten just how weird these damn movies are!  If one could watch with goggles from the time the shock and awe of them would go up exponentially.
But first thing I was struck with was how 70s it felt.  I was surprised to see it was actually put together in 96.  There was something about that I liked - something nostalgic.  The men and women in front of the camera and behind the camera feel like they've come from the Andy Warhol school of theatre - extreme camp, paired with a sincere desire to shock - the actors look real - like they were conscript straight off the streets of New York.
There is nothing that could be called horror in this film but there's some horrific things - you laugh rather than shutter though - except when they stab the nipple through with a needle.  Obviously it's real and it made my stones suck up an inch or two.  The rest of the gore is comical - but not in a bad way.  It's just fun and there's lots of it.
Some will argue that Kaufman and Hertz betrayed ol' Bill Shakes by taping on a happy ending to this adaptation of the classic but I must disagree.  This isn't an happy ending at all.  For people like Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz I suspect there is no greater tragedy than ending up in a polo shirt standing over a bbq with three kids running around the back yard.
These films are cult classics for a reason.  You're not likely to put one on and kick back with a six pack - but a group of friends looking to enjoy a mutual throw back to a better time, and Tromeo and Juliet is for you!
4 Bloody Eyes out of 5

Saturday, February 5, 2011


Directed by:  Tobe Hooper
Written by:  Jace Anderson, Adam Gierasch
Starring:  Dan Byrd, Denise Crosby and Rocky Marquette
From IMDB:
"A family moves to a small town in California where they plan on starting a new life while running a long-abandoned funeral home. The locals fear the place, which is suspected to be on haunted ground. "
I've always loved the idea of the "new people in the old house" - secrets and lies, trap doors and ancient evil.  Beautiful stuff!
It's especially appealing when they've got enough of a budget to to make it look good.
With Tobe directing you attract half decent actors - and they did.  Denise Crosby is a fine actress.  The Sheriff is good - we've all seen him a thousand times and the speech impediment is a riot.  Graveyard babies!!  HAHA!
Love the character Liz - great whisky voice - she's 14 years older than her love interest here.
Oh oh - the lead dink needs to take a leak while partying at the cemetery!  You know that's going to end badly.
And it does.
They wanted to see the bodies - why should Tasha feel badly?  They should apologize to her!
Okay, the scene where the sheriff is at the door - hitting the doorbell about 43 times, the embalming fluid and blood is going everywhere, and the kids are blowing some grass upstairs - all while accompanied by a frantic score made me want to hit the fast forward arrow.  Ugh!  Terrible film making!
And the pace and frantic energy doesn't let up - screaming and noise constantly.  Very tiring and annoying.
There's also a lot of scenes that are too too dark to see what's going on.  There's only the screaming and the occasional flash to give you a clue.  This might be a factor of the pressing.  The movie was part of a double side DVD (2 movies each side) purchased at Walmart for $5
At any rate.  This movie had all the elements I like to see in a horror movie but unfortunately it lacked any real scares.
Everyone hated this movie on IMDB and Rot Tom - but despite my above complaints I didn't hate it.  There were some pretty major missteps but there was fun as well and I liked the look of the film (when I could actually see the damn thing). 
If you're not going to give people a proper scare you have to give them a good story with well developed characters that we can care about.  Well acted with a good look and a good idea is not enough.
I'll give it 2 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  That's about right.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Bless the Child

Directed by: Chuck Russell
Written by: Thomas Rickman and Clifford Green & Ellen Green - based on novel by Cathy C. Spellman
Starring: Kim Basinger and Jimmy Smits
The Tag line:
"Fear the Darkness. Fight the Evil. Bless the Child."
This one is kind of like the Omen in reverse.
So I've heard a lot about this movie - worst ever made they say. 
Whenever some asshole chimes up with "This is the worst movie ever made"  I always laugh.  Certainly there is a worst movie ever made - I have mine but Bless the Child is not it - not by a LOOOONG shot!!
It got 1 star in the Shaw Guide - 3% in the Rotten Tomatoes.  This has to be one of the all time low scores. 
On IMDB it got 4.8/10, which is quite a bit better.
Now to be fair - I've spent the last four days watching original Sci/Fi creature features.  You want to see bad - watch UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine then follow it up with SS Doomtrooper.
After watching the aforementioned screen gems, this one feels like Citizen Kane.
Strong talent.  Strong production value and a half decent script.
it's better than 1 star and I can tell that in the first five minutes.
Rufus Sewell is really good at being a dick.
I'm glad Kim pulled the trigger when she was pointing the gun it at him.  I always hate it when they just can't do it - they just can't pull that trigger.  Everyone hates that.
I'm thinking this movie has been edited.  It's on the Dusk channel so it's not meant to be but there is just no gore here.  There's a scene with some knitting needles I suspect was meant to be much more graphic - but I could be wrong. 
The scene where she pulls the cop over by cutting him off and honking is retarded.  The cop doesn't even try to listen to her and dies for his foolishness.  Now I believe a cop just might behave that badly - in fact if you go to Youtube you can see several examples of it but it's not worthy of a film like this.  It's a device - bad writing.
Oops.  Things are going from not bad to much worse.
The final scene in the church is descending to the absurd.
Okay not great but better than the 3% on RT.
I'll give it 2.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  Maybe a bit generous but what the hell.



Directed by:  Todor Chapkanov
Written by:  Rafael Jordan
Starring:  Brad Johnson and Keith Stone

"Small town in the Wild West is attacked by poisonous snakes."
Billy Drago is funny - not funny ha ha.  It's not bad that he's bad.  I'd just like to see him do something else beside same guy he played in The Untouchables.  I bet he'd be good at being good.  I cast him as an absent minded professor.  Then he'd be funny ha ha.
So this thing was filmed in Bulgaria.  I shot a film there with Dolph Lundgren many years ago.  What a great place to make movies!
Honestly, I'm at a bit of loss here on this one.  The production value was fine.  The acting was a over the top but I feel pretty safe suggesting this was a choice from the director.  They didn't take themselves too seriously - though I suspect some will thing they did.
The CGI was weak.  I can't get too excited about that.
It always lifts my eyebrow a notch or two whenever the old west is portrayed as this crazy place where if you didn't like someone you just shot him and the cowardly sheriff - or no sheriff at all looked the other way.  It simply was nothing like that.   Again - who cares.  We can all suspend our disbelief on this count.
But there's nothing even close to a single scare in the whole film.  There's a few chuckles and some groan out loud moments.
The doc (and one or two others) who keeps spewing out the bible verse with a deadly serious delivery gets a bit tired.  I suspect it was meant to be funny.  It's not.
But really the movie is watchable.
I'm going to give it 2 Bloody Eyes out of 5 but it was close to getting a 2.5


2005 made for cable.
Directed by: Paul Ziller
Written by: Miguel Tejada-Flores
Starring: Michael Shanks, Carol Alt and Tim Thomerson
From IMDB:
"The residents of a small town find themselves battling a swarm of wasps which has been sprayed by a super pesticide."
The first death is unlikely looking janitor who accidently releases the bees.  Standard. 
The coroner, who looks like Glen Beck the later years, come to the table eating.  Ridiculous. 
In fact throughout this movie is seems everyone who enters a room is eating or drinking and it looks out of place.
Such a tender moment when the bug guy realizes the super model college professor is also a bug girl.  They both stare down at their shoes for a moment.  Auuuh!
Alright - so we have the killer bees on the loose and on the day before the big weekend hamburger cook-off.  Just like the July 4th weekend at Amity Island.
While this is no Jaws the pacing is okay and I was kept engaged.
Amazing how many movie morons think an actor is bad because a movie is bad.
Well, in this case - there's a healthy dose of bad acting going on.
Carol Alt isn't a great thespian but I saw her get "closest to the hole" in a celebrity golf match one time in Malibu.
Booth Savage is just too Canadian.
Tim Thomerson can phone these roles in and still be believable.
There's lots of dialogue worthy of a Saturday morning cartoon. 
"We have to find this guy.  He's our only link to the mutated wasps."
"If the swarm comes here - it's going to be really really bad."
Sting on the eyeball wasn't too bad.
This movie is too Canadian.  From the sets to the wardrobe.
So to destroy the bees nest Q has a huge crushing machine that moves just a little quicker than the tectonic plates.
Then he stabs himself in the leg with adrenalin and clearly there is no needle in the prop.
Going after a bee with a 100 year old shotgun?  What is this Elmer Fudd and the Loony Toons!
One thing I enjoyed - was how quickly stupidity was rewarded with pain.  I'm always impatient to see that and this movie delivered it in spades.   Within a minute or two of some some Official insisting the everything was going to be okay they found themselves dying painfully.  Gotta like that.
Not sure what the motivation for the TV lady to lock Washburn out of the car was.  There clearly was plenty of time for them both to get in.
And here's a geek moment for me - the hose Washburn was breathing from while submerged in the dunk tank was WAY too long for expelled air to get out and fresh air to get in, but who cares.
Why does Q (and why does he have such a ridiculous name) stand in the garage after luring the bees in?  There appears no reason other than the director yelling - "Wait for it!  Wait for it!!"
Oh well, another one on the loser end of the scale but really it was watchable.  It moved along okay and even though the Canadian in it shown through brighter than the Northern Lights, who cares, eh?
2 Bloody Eyes out of 5

UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine

Directed by:  David Mitchell
Written by:  Tyler Levine, Ted McGregor
Starring:   Michael Madsen

This trailer has Dutch subtitles.  It doesn't help.

From IMDB:
"Waylon and Buddy decide to join the army as it appears to be their best option. But when they realize that they are part of a group that have been thrown into a medical experiment facility with a doctor who plans on turning them into ultimate killing machines, they must fight to destroy his other creations and save themselves."

Let me say up front this will likely be my worst blog to date on my movie experiences.  Not because of the movie (though it was insanely shitty) but because I'm in a shitty mood.

So, from what I could gather here, the army is injecting folks with a green serum (why is it always green?) and they become super soldiers.  The problem - shockingly, is they don't seem to mind who they kill, thus making them somewhat awkward to work with - OH - and it make them crazy horny as well.   What to do?  They gather up a small group of losers and inject them with a smaller dosage - though a few get the "full milkshake".  The crazy horny side effect allows for the film makers to logically inject some sex whenever it strikes them.

The movie rumbles along after a few promising opening scenes - the "subjects" all escape and zany adventures ensue.  There's some blood - some sex but mostly there's just ridiculous dialogue - though I did think the guy who played the doctor (John Evans) was pretty talented.  Sadly he never worked again after this film.  I'd cast him. 
I read some pin head on IMDB writing "What happened to Michael Madsen?  He used to be good!"  Madsen is still good.  He's good in this - but this is not good.  You can't make chicken soup from chicken shit.  Madsen's character was not clearly defined.  You could see the writers/director/Madsen wanted him to be morally ambiguous but when one of the gals loses her nut because some idiot calls her a whore and a slut, Madsen simply shoots the girl.  What?  It made no sense and any hope staying in the movie was gone.
Suddenly the film was over - and I mean suddenly.  There's a final ridiculous attempt at a twist and mercifully it's over.
When I started this blog it was never my intention to be mean spirited.  I didn't want to be one of those guys on the internet who sits in his little dark room feeling superior and throws stones at everything he sees.  I have great respect for ANYONE who can get a movie made in this environment.  I directed my first feature last year and I know it can and will be shredded by many.  But this film just didn't do anything for me.  It wasn't even bad enough to be good.
Oh well.
1.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5