Killers from Space

1954

Directed by: W. Lee Wilder

Written by: William Raynor, story by Myles Wilder

Starring: Peter Graves

From IMDB:

"A scientist monitoring atomic tests, killed in a plane crash, is revived by aliens so he can spy on the tests and help them conquer the world."

This clip is 4 minutes long.

The pilot's call sign is Tar Baby II - I'm pretty certain that wouldn't be acceptable in today's clinical world.

Peter Graves had a good career despite this mess.

This is great.  The aliens are guys in one piece suits and eyes created from ping pong balls cut in half.

They take 15 minutes to explain to our hero their plan for invading the earth.

Why they're explaining to him, hasn't been revealed yet.

Then he spends 5 minutes running from insects and lizards that have been enlarged - but he doesn't really run from them - it's more like he moves from creature to creature - stand and looks at the thing for a moment - runs his hands through his hair then carries on.  The creatures never attack - but I gather when the time is right the aliens plan to unleash the giant bugs on the population - thus paving the way for colonization.

Aaaauh - true freedom, a man wants to enjoy a nice smoke, he just lights one up, even if he's walking down a hospital corridor!

There's a chase scene inside a power plant - but they've only got a few sets so they just run by the same ones over and over again.

When I was 8 I wrote a story about an mad doctor who invents a machine that turns everything in the world ugly - yeah, I know, what's the motive?  I was 8, what do you want from me?  At any rate the doctor's plans were thwarted when Stephanie and Kevin unplug his machine.  It was a daring and brilliant move.  Perhaps I'd seen this movie and unintentionally borrowed from it - at any rate, that's about how it goes down.

This is a bad one but there's just not enough bad to make it good.

It get's 1 Bleeding Eye out of 5.

Earth Vs. the Spider

1958

 

Directed by:  Bert I. Gordon

Written by: Laszlo Gorog, George Worthing Yates. story by Gordon

Starring:  Ed Kemmer, June Kenney and Eugene Persson

 

From IMDB:

"Teenagers from a rural community and their high school science teacher join forces to battle a giant mutant spider."

 

 

 

 

Even in the 50s cops in horror movies are dim witted bullies.

Despite the fact there are bodies laying about the place, the portly sheriff laughs at the thought that there's any real trouble to be found.

 

Wow - best friend Joe - a high school student is 35 years old - and he looks it!

The "professor" is 37 years old.

 

CLASSIC LINES:

"You know teenagers.  They'll say anything!"

 

Lamenting his inability to get into the gym Joe postulates:

"Why the cats will have a blast if we don't swing solid."  You can't buy lines like that!  Did "blast" have a different meaning in 58 - or was the 72 year old screenwriter just throwing together some cool as hell lingo?

 

"Where you heading to, Jake?"

"I'm evacuating.  That darn monster run me out of house and home!"

 

The young ladies father has been eaten by a giant spider but her mother admonishes her "Get your homework done, young lady."

 

In a nice little homage - Mike is telling Carol he can't get away because he wants to watch the new movie his dad has at the theater - about puppet people.  Attack of the Puppet People was made earlier the same year by Bert I. Gordon (Mr. Big to his friends).  The movie currently playing at the theater is The Amazing Colossus Man - another Gordon flick.  Gordon made over 25 low budget horror sci fi movies and is, to the best of my knowledge, still alive.

 

The spider changes sizes frequently throughout the movie.

 

Some gal gets her little cotton skirt caught in the door of her car.  Rather than just rip the dress off she chooses to die a horrible death in the clutches of a giant spider.  Going a bit far for modesty, I'd say.

The noise the spider makes is hilarious.  It's like some guy groaning into a tin can. 

This movie is magic!!

 

Ooops - someone left a baby in the middle of the road!!  I guess the mother got distracted.

 

I'm giving this little gem 3 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  Tons of fun on a Saturday afternoon.

 

 

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

1994

 

Directed by:  Wes Craven

Written by:  Wes Craven

Starring:  Heather Lagenkamp, Robert Englund and Miko Hughes.

 

From IMDB:

"A demonic force has chosen Freddy Krueger as its portal to the real world. Can Heather play the part of Nancy one last time and trap the evil trying to enter our world?"

 

 

 

I saw this one in the theatre.

 

Hey there's my buddy Bodhi Elfman!  Yay.  That guy is CRAZY talented!!  I would love to put that cat in a film!  We attended acting school together many years ago.

 

Fun premise - all the actors playing themselves.  The real Freddy is trying to get back in the real world though Heather Lagenkamp's son.

 

This is a strong movie considering it's the sixth in a series that showed some pretty harsh decline after the first piece of brilliance was forged.

While New Nightmare isn't overly scary in any real way, it's fun and possesses hardly any cheese.

As a real horror fan I love all self indulgent pop references.

In the end credits it says Freddy Kruger played himself.

 

I'm giving it 3.5 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  Had it contained any real scares it would have gotten a clean 4.

 

 

Carver

2008

 

Director:  Franklin Guerrero Jr.

Writer:  Franklin Guerrero Jr.

Starring:  Natasha Malinsky, Erik Fones and Matt Carmody

 

From IMDB:

"Based on a true story, Carver depicts the real life events of five 20-something's that went camping in the mountain town of Halcyon Ridge and never returned."

 

 

 

Ugh - two minutes in and it's clear this another movie shot by my dad on his camcorder.

Based on a true story?  Mmm?  I suspect they will be stretching things a bit to keep any truth to that.

 

So the guy meets some hot chick out in the middle of no where and his friends essentially do everything they can to torpedo his shot at her.  "He's got herpes!!!  Hahahaha!"  In my experience a wing men with moves like that would very quickly be marginalized and ridiculed - if not beaten sensless. 

 

Then they decide to steal the guys stuff (films) - and I'm suppose to feel badly for these douche bags when they start dying.

The sound in this bitch is awful.

 

So no one believes him when he says he found the kill spot - even when he backed it up with a bloody tooth?  Nothing

And that asshole in the cowboy hat - I sure hope he finds the business end of a saw soon.  No one would hang with such a dink - except the bitch who likes to flirt with red necks.  They're a good couple.

 

An outhouse with running water is not an outhouse - it's an outdoor toilet.

And he sat on the toilet - with no toilet paper?  Not likely. 

Well - I got my wish, he's the first to go - and, I must confess - that was a bad way to die.

 

They're going back in the middle of the night to return the snuff film?  Gee, what could go wrong with that idea?

 

So the flirt has a lethal pitch fork for a weapon.  Will she even get a chance to use it?  I'm going to bet - no.

I win. 

 

Man these guys are so completely ineffective and dense I want them to all die.

Clearly the writer/director didn't feel self preservation was really all that motivating a factor.

 

Who was the stunt killer?

 

She's got the gun - and she actually shot him!  Wow - I'm going to increase my Bloody Eye count just for that.

WTF - she kills herself?  No body does that in a horror movie!!  Now I may have to take away the aforementioned increase.

 

A drywall saw through the skull - could happen but it'd be tough.

And wasn't the chick who killed herself seen in an earlier movie - wasn't that suppose to be the twist?  What did I miss there?

The log line stated that the kids were never seen again - so I guess we all knew how it was going to end.  Why do they give up the ending like that?  It worked for Blair Witch - but that was a unique case.

Oh I see - he's been so damaged by all this he's going to sit down with a smoke and watch footage of the old kills.

There's the girl killing someone?!?

 

What a shocking twist for an ending!

 

People out there seemed like this movie WAY more than I did.

I'm going to give this a 1 Bloody Eyes out of 5.  It was close to being my first 1/2 Bloody Eye.  It got the full because of a few imaginative kills and a somewhat sincere effort that came through - but these characters were just too stupid to care about.